Dreaming

I've started to have vivid dreams again. Having cleared away everything I don't need, I am back to my core, alive and awake even when sleeping! My days have themes now or at least I am awake enough to be seeing the threads that go through each day and connect everything. The other day I was listening to some 1950s crooners in the car on the way home from work. The romanticism of that music has always really appealed to me. I grew up listening to it through childhood, when another favourite past time was watching old Hollywood films with Judy Garland, Doris Day, Audrey Hepburn, Sophia Loren. I still remember the candy colours of those films, the songs, the heartache, the certainty that no one was going home without at least a marriage proposal! Then I became a teenager in 1980s London where a boy wanting share his last cigarette with you was about as romantic as it got!

Please don't get me wrong, I am not the Anti-Feminist. Women only having the opportunity to be housewives, nurses, teachers, secretaries or nuns can stay in the 1950s. I am just allowing myself to want some old fashioned romance.

So, on my way home, I decided to go the church where my parents got married. I'm not sure if I have been inside before as a child, I may even have been baptised there, but its just near where I live and I've been meaning to go for ages. As I drove past, I could see it was open and just took the opportunity to stop and go in. It is one of the most beautiful churches I have been to. It was just lit with candles. It has golden mosiacs, a black and white tiled floor, dark wood vaulted ceilings and that smell of incense that just takes me back to my childhood. I'm not religous any more, but being alone in a church is very powerful for me. I immediately feel like worldly burdens have left me and I can just be in Spirit, in my own spirit and connect with spirit. Its also a place where I can be with my father and mourn if I need to. I walked around the church with my shoes off, not to make any noise in the dark and lit candles just remembering what I love about my religion, what it has taught me.

This post is getting long-winded, I apologise. Its the first time I've felt like I can just be brave and talk!

So I've embraced that little girl who wanted a white wedding with a sweetheart in front of God and all her family. The truth is I've always taken it personally if I am not in a relationship. I'm reclaiming the right just to wait, to focus on other things, to save myself. While I have my juicy, rich life, I'm not missing or lacking anything. To have a partner will be a welcome extra that will let me explore and "weave" my life with another's life. Until then, I have other things going on.

So to get to the point, not long after, I dreamt that a British TV celebrity took me out to the cinema. It was a pleasant suprise, but I was almost ignoring him. He was patient, warm, wearing a suit like a leading man from the 1950s. He was quietly confident and waiting for me as the film finished at the end of the row for me whie I untangled my MP3 player. I took so long that he sadly left. I woke up feeling annoyed with myself for just letting him slip away, for being distracted and not stepping up to meet this male couterpart. Am I missing something here?