Wild, Joyful Magic

This is my theme for next year. Carrying on in the spirit of the Be Brave project, I will honour my values of freedom, creative, innovation and sensuality. One of the big learnings for me this year has been that to really focus on what is really important, I have to keep my life really simple to let room in for the wild, joyful magic that happens when you stay true to who you are and what's important.

Wishing all a very wild, joyful and magical 2008. xxx

A Charlie Brown Christmas

the balls to stand naked

This one is pretty good too.

happy to be so sad

This is a great Monday 9am film any day of the week.

Wild Heart

"Before Zen, mountains were mountais and trees were trees.
During Zen, mountains were thrones of the spirits and trees were the voices of wisdom.
After Zen, mountains were mountains and trees were trees."

From Women Who Run with the Wolves

Last night I picked up this old favourite and read the story of the Crescent Moon Bear. I will just summarise Clarissa Pinkola Estes telling of the story here. Its the story of a good wife whose husband has returned from war angry and inconsolable. He goes to live in the woods and she brings him carefully prepared food but he turns over the tray and refuses to eat. So the good wife goes to a healer to ask for help. The wise woman says that to make a cure she needs one hair from the crescent on the Crescent Moon Bear. To get to the bear the good wife must climb a mountain. As she climbs she acknowledges the illusions she meets on the way. When she gets to the top, she finds the bear's cave and she places the food she has prepared for him on the ground. The bear smells the food and comes out to eat it. This continues for many nights until one night the good wife is brave enough to place the food close to the mouth of the cave. When the bear comes out he smells the food and sees two, small human feet. The bear roars so loudly that the wive's bones hum, but she stands her ground. The bear rears up on his hind legs, opens his jaw wide and roars again, but the wife still stands her ground and asks the bear for help. The bear drops back down onto all fours and the wife looks right into his old, old eyes and for a moment sees entire mountain ranges, villages, valleys and rivers and as she does she stops trembling and feels calm and the bear lifts himself up so that she can see his throat and the strong pulse of his heart and she takes a hair from the crescent there.

The wife then travels back down the mountain again thanking the illusions around her. When she gets back to the healer, ragged and soiled, she shows her the hair. The healer takes it and throws it on the fire. The wife is horrified! The healer asks her if she remembers each step she took climbing the mountain, if she remembered each step she took to capture the trust of the bear, what she saw, felt, heard and she replied "Yes". So the healer tells her to go home and proceed in the same way with her husband.


I feel as though recently I have made a journey on my own magic mountain. Feeling wounded and facing great change, my own inner wounded soldier seeks the familiar. She carries on with old, familiar patterns of punishment and refusal to accept help. Like the soldier in the story who wants to stay sleeping on stones, without food or love, that wounded self is hurting, their story is that life is painful and dark and to keep being right about that or to maintain the illusion of that reality means refusing love and kindness from the nurturing self. So this time I took my nurturing self and stepped away from that wounded soldier to look for a new and healing path. And that's when magic started to happen! To step onto a healing path where everything is an illusion, everything can be interpreted from a million perspectives. In the story the wife says thank you to the branches for lifting their hair so that she can pass underneath, to the mountain for letting her climb onto its body. Obstacles become her allies and from this place of gentle persistance, the kind heart climbs the mountain and meets only kindness.

At the top of the mountain, this kindness and compassion lets her meet her own wild heart nature. And as she looks this wild hearted creature right in the eyes and stands to face it, she sees her true nature reflected back at her. Her true, wise and eternal nature. As she faces this nature, all her fears dissolve and in an instant she is calmed. This is absolutely the most powerful part of the story for me. She goes back to her world changed and with the final lesson that all the solutions are part of her and her journey.

This has been my most powerful lesson this year. It all came together with Jessie's the Be Brave project, upheaval and change at work and my decision to resign and move back to Spain. This time I faced my fears by tending my heart, giving it what it needed and listening to what it wanted. It responded by turning from battle scarred and grey into a juicy, beating joyful thing that started to pound again in my chest. I kept doing whatever I needed to do to take care of myself and chose the best path for me. I found my core, the inner sense of security that no external event can overthrow because I am always able to take my kind heart and climb the mountain to face my biggest fears.

Wishing you magic on your own tender hearted journies.

I found the perfect journal from here. Its leather so it bends and opens fully. The design is really simple with a hint of metallic shine and it has creamy blank pages AND it matches my dad's gold pen perfectly. They are both there just waiting for me and between us three we can start connecting and creating.

Right Here

When I listen to one of his Chopin CDs I just breathe, knowing that he will always be right here, in the hollow ache between my ribs.

"Passion burns down every branch of exhaustion" Rumi

On the 5th November, I celebrated a year of being a Co-Active coach. I will always be able to celebrate with fireworks the weekend that I reconnected with who I am and brought her back to life and the weekend that I found the role I was meant to play in this world. During the last year, I have coached a minimum of one person every week, I have also coached a team and run coaching workshops. I still have to remind myself that it is a real job and always feel so much gratitude that I get to do this for a living. Its one of those vocations where the more you fully step in to who you are and the more you bring that to what you do, the better you are. And it is fuel. I don't know any other work where, it doesn't matter how tired I am, coaching is thrilling and energising.

So I am putting a wish out there that I would like to expand my practice to more like minded souls who are committed to living their "wild and precious life" and ready to start taking up their space in the world. Coaching can be a technicolour experience. It takes work, some real self-awareness and honesty, and just committment to your own journey, and the rewards include the following:

- You get to create the life you want on your terms
- Working through self-limiting beliefs and old and outwarn behaviours and releasing them so that you can really start to move forward
- Richer relationships with others and with yourself
- Bringing to life dreams that you didn't believe were possible
- Clarity and focus on what is important for you
- The freedom to be consciously at choice and present in each moment

I work from the belief that who we are being and who we are becoming creates actions that get us moving towards where we need to go and that the whole process starts with how we relate to ourselves. Coaching is permission to take your life and play and create, and to know that even when you fall over you are still learning and moving closer to where you need to go.

If you'd like to find out more and experience first hand what this experience is like, I offer a sample session that is free and comes with no strings. I have Skype and am happy to coach people from anywhere as long as the time difference works! I can be contacted at wild horse coaching [a] hot mail dot com.

Dreaming

I've started to have vivid dreams again. Having cleared away everything I don't need, I am back to my core, alive and awake even when sleeping! My days have themes now or at least I am awake enough to be seeing the threads that go through each day and connect everything. The other day I was listening to some 1950s crooners in the car on the way home from work. The romanticism of that music has always really appealed to me. I grew up listening to it through childhood, when another favourite past time was watching old Hollywood films with Judy Garland, Doris Day, Audrey Hepburn, Sophia Loren. I still remember the candy colours of those films, the songs, the heartache, the certainty that no one was going home without at least a marriage proposal! Then I became a teenager in 1980s London where a boy wanting share his last cigarette with you was about as romantic as it got!

Please don't get me wrong, I am not the Anti-Feminist. Women only having the opportunity to be housewives, nurses, teachers, secretaries or nuns can stay in the 1950s. I am just allowing myself to want some old fashioned romance.

So, on my way home, I decided to go the church where my parents got married. I'm not sure if I have been inside before as a child, I may even have been baptised there, but its just near where I live and I've been meaning to go for ages. As I drove past, I could see it was open and just took the opportunity to stop and go in. It is one of the most beautiful churches I have been to. It was just lit with candles. It has golden mosiacs, a black and white tiled floor, dark wood vaulted ceilings and that smell of incense that just takes me back to my childhood. I'm not religous any more, but being alone in a church is very powerful for me. I immediately feel like worldly burdens have left me and I can just be in Spirit, in my own spirit and connect with spirit. Its also a place where I can be with my father and mourn if I need to. I walked around the church with my shoes off, not to make any noise in the dark and lit candles just remembering what I love about my religion, what it has taught me.

This post is getting long-winded, I apologise. Its the first time I've felt like I can just be brave and talk!

So I've embraced that little girl who wanted a white wedding with a sweetheart in front of God and all her family. The truth is I've always taken it personally if I am not in a relationship. I'm reclaiming the right just to wait, to focus on other things, to save myself. While I have my juicy, rich life, I'm not missing or lacking anything. To have a partner will be a welcome extra that will let me explore and "weave" my life with another's life. Until then, I have other things going on.

So to get to the point, not long after, I dreamt that a British TV celebrity took me out to the cinema. It was a pleasant suprise, but I was almost ignoring him. He was patient, warm, wearing a suit like a leading man from the 1950s. He was quietly confident and waiting for me as the film finished at the end of the row for me whie I untangled my MP3 player. I took so long that he sadly left. I woke up feeling annoyed with myself for just letting him slip away, for being distracted and not stepping up to meet this male couterpart. Am I missing something here?

Wish Box

Far away in the sunshine are my highest inspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see the beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they lead..." Louisa May Alcott

Following Jamie's example, I made this wish box yesterday after reading this quote. I've put in a high shelf in my cupboard so that I can look up and imagine my "highest inspirations".

I'm in a real period of movement and transition, about to embark on the next part of my life. While making this box yesterday, I was listening to Marianne Williamson talking about the story of Isis and Osiris. Since resigning, I've just wanted to clear out all the clutter in my room. Bearing in mind that everything I own fits into a car, I just don't want anything in my life that doesn't have a purpose, that isn't congruent with who I am becoming. So feeling this real urge to start clearing out my cupboard and start packing, Marianne was talking about how she remembers a time when people were just happy to be functioning and how now is the time to move from functioning to being truly alive and awake and standing in our own greatness. She made a joke along the lines of "I'm not ready to be great, I still need to clean out my closet".

So I am nearly ready! I've filled two more bags with clothes, books and CDs that are ready to go to a new home. I've never liked to let go of books, they are like gemstones to me, but having only kept the books a really love and the ones I really love and can't replace, I am being to feel lighter and clearer. The more I get rid of, the more I want to let go of all these objects that just take up space. I never touch my CDs, all the music I listen to is on my laptop. I have many books but only a few that I treasure. And I have a whole load of "things" like wires, post it notes, blank CDs that have that sticky not quite useful, not quite useless energy about them. I'm trying to find new homes for everything and its SOOOO liberating and energising!

I'm making a clearing ready for the new life that will only hold what's important and resonant for me. A spacious, conscious,wild horse life, fully lived in the moment, vibrant, energised and full of colour!

Freedom

Yesterday I resigned!

Faith

Uncertainty...is the fertile ground of pure creativity and freedom. Uncertainty means stepping into the unknown in every moment of our existence. The unknown is the field of all possibilities, ever fresh, ever new, always open to the creation of new manifestations. Without uncertainty and the unknown, life is just a stale repetition of outworn memories. Deepak Chopra from The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success

This month has been about letting go and embracing the unknown. My department is restructuring and my job is looking unsafe. So my question has been, facing uncertainty and change, how do I stay strong and let go at the same time? In three short weeks, I have made the decision to move back to Spain, have arranged an interview with a company I used to work for, have contacted friends there and am starting to build up a network of coaching friends that I will thrive in when I'm out there. One week after making my decision, I found out that two coaches who I hugely admire and would love to work with are moving out to Spain next year too. Not only that, but I plan to do a course next year and I found out that one of those coaches will be leading that course in Spain next year (she lives in the States).

The answer to that question has been by enjoying the unknown, staying creative around possibilities and being really clear about my vision, while just doing what I need to do to keep moving in the right direction without knowing that I may ever get to the destination has been the way for me. This is the way that I have stayed strong while letting go. Its been thrilling!

On Being Brave

A few days ago I read about a new project on Maddie's blog, inspired by this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt:

Do one thing every day that scares you.

I immediately realised the thing that I most long to do that scares me more than anything else would be to give up my job and really committ to creating the life of my dreams. So I wrote the project off straight away as not being for me because its impossible right now, I'm not ready, its too big, I have to wait until January, its easy for them, I can't even do small acts of bravery because there really is only one act to do and so on and so on.

The idea stayed with me though. Every night while writing out my dreams of what I'd like a year from now, I'd write "I live in Grananda..." and think "That's going to take much longer than a year". Why? Is anything really stopping me? So, I've let bravery take over my thinking. There is a big restructure going on at work at the moment and even if I keep my job, it will be very different to the job I have now. My real passion is coaching and I will still get to do that, but only privately. When I got back to work after a few days holiday last week, the old sick feeling came back and I started to feel panicky so I decided it was time to be brave and get creative.

What are some of the great possibilities that could come out of this change and how could I start getting the life I really want?

I could move to Spain and work teaching English in companies which I loved when I was there which would mean I'd get to build good relationships with people in lots of different companies and build up a coaching practice out there. I'd also get to assist on Spanish coaching training and possibly even start interpreting on courses. And I'd be truly in love with my life! If my long term goal is to live in Spain and work full time as a coach, does my nice job with a big company get me closer to that dream or keep me stuck?

So thank you to Maddie and Jessie, I've joined the be brave project and today applied for jobs in Madrid and Seville!

Inspired by a True Bohemian*

"Love is not a thing to understand. Love is not a thing to feel. Love is not a thing to give and receive. Love is a thing only to become And eternally be." Sri Chinmoy

Love has always been an obsession of mine ever since I was a little child, I've always been led by my heart. So, without wanting to quote Whitney Houston, here are ten things that I do for myself to feel loved:

1. Eat well and consciously. Cook food using fresh ingredients while listening to music and eat every mouthful awake and in the moment.

2. Clear away all the useless objects and clutter to create a clean and clear space where I can breathe. Infact any homemaking activities like putting photos in albums, mending, sorting and I feel really looked after.

3. Twenty minutes every morning focusing on my breathing and getting really connected and and centred, acknowledging whatever is there and accepting it.

4. When I write every day, I wake up like a person in love, on fire and lit up with the anticipation of spending that sacred time creating and discovering.

5. Reading my favourite blogs religiously keeps me on course, inspired and creative.

6. Walking in nature. I just don't get to do that nearly enough. It keeps me feeling alive and awake.

7. Yoga gets the energy flowing all over my body. Yum!

8. Spending time with people I love and laughing. Sharing champagne and Turkish delight.

9. Being kind and being my own best friend when times get tough.

10. Staying present. Being in each moment filled with possibility and choice, knowing that we only really have right now.

*Thank you Boho Girl

Who in the world...

I've been avoiding my own blog, so busy devouring others' worlds, I've neglected my own with the question "Who in the world would really be interested in what I might have to say?" Then I got the kindest comment from a person on the otherside of the world, just to answer my question! So thank you Lubna and please come again soon. And to really say thank you, here are some of the other gifts your country gave me...

to have every sense awakened simultaneously with the smells of street sellers' making eggs, jelabis, puris. Coloured powders, curly writing more like a design than a script, shiny, black hair and the noise of 10,000 horns beeping. and the heat, the nearness of so many other humans, gazes so close it becomes intimate, just one body among hundreds, never unseen. to wake up on train, look out of the window and see two boys' laughing faces, waving hands and on, melting through the afternoon and coming to a stop. a woman wrapped in a purple sari, standing in a rice field so green. to go to bed in a bunk only knowing the name of your morning destination, anticipation dancing circles in your stomach, soothed by sweet, thick chai from a clay thumb pot.


Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. Anais Nin

143 Kinds of Yummilisciousness - Part One

1. Lindyboppers on the South Bank.

2. London. By the thames in the rain. Monochrome beauty.

3. Babies. I met a baby last weekend. An hour spent in constant wonder, suprise and simple pleasures. Oh and that silly baby skin that's so bright and new and smells so good!

Swinging the Lead

I have about two or three days until moving out. Almost everything from the house has gone, expect me and my things. I am the world's greatest procrastinator, especially when it comes to upheaval that I haven't asked for. So what are the things that I can't say goodbye to? I lived in this house while my father was dying. I moved here in September 2005, four months before he died. He visited me here when he was much more ill than I realised and I made him roast chicken and apple crumble and he lost his voice trying to hide his tears. This house was here when I got back each night from the hospital. Numb and exhuasted, I was offered food and homemade wine before I went to bed letting music wash over my tears and lull me to sleep. I came home to this house on the evening that he died. Someone lit a fire and we watched a film that I can't remember, I just remember the room full of people held me together. I'd moved back to London just in time to spend my father's last few months with him. It was a gift. I got to spend some time with him everyday, to experience a closeness that went beyond words that we hardly had in all our years as father and daughter and I got to do something for him before he died.

It was also at that time that I started a writing class and discovered how much I love poetry. I started writing everyday on the train until it became a best friend. My senses so sharpened by pain and fear, I saw fragility and temporality in everything and a voice that I knew but had never heard, came spilling out onto the page. I even got a poem published this year. So another gift from my father who had always wanted to be a writer.

The turning point to the greiving came when I started my coaches training with CTI. I'd spent a week in Spain on a yoga retreat with www.yogaunderthesky.com in the heat, eating delicious food, talking, chanting and sun bathing and met a friend who had done the courses. I knew they were for me. I started them in November and came back after the first weekend feeling truly and blissfully conscious and alive. Fireworks night lit up my window with the all possibilities of a juicy, technicolour life. Four courses later and I've made life long friends, I have found something that I really brings me to life and met some of the most grounded, vibrant and wise people who lead the way to others. And that's what's led me here! I was in New York after the last of the Intermediate courses and I looked up Co-Active coaching on Blogger.com. I found Jamie and her Starshyne Productions blog. That led me to More to Me, then Boho Girl, Ink on My Fingers and my friend ScruffyMummy so many other really inspiring women leading inspired lives.

So here's to new beginings and new friends!

The House of Belonging

Sometimes everything
has to be
enscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

first, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.

Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out

someone has written
something new
in the ashes
of your life.
You are not leaving
you are arriving.

~ David Whyte, 1997

Leaving Home

I got woken up this morning by a bright, summer sky and a flood of birdsong. 5.00 am and I felt like I'd fallen asleep in a meadow. My last weekend in this house!